The Story of "Brent, the Mormon Hating, Satanic Darran" & his antics at LHS:

Once upon a time, in a lovely sociology class, the students were assigned to do a report on various religions. I, myself, was not in this class, nor were any of the other members at LHS. But, Satan was. Satan chose to do his report on The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, better known as "The Mormons". *dun da da dun* Satan chose this particular church because he wanted to expose all of their satanic practices. See, his mother used to be a member of the church, and she informed him that upon leaving the church, ex-members are hunted, and then have their heads chopped off. (Yet, his mother still has her head..well, physically anyway. The woman isn't...right). So Satan got a big book from the LHS library, entitled "Kingdom of the Kults"* and proceeded to copy down information about the orgies and sacrifices preformed in the church temples. After doing this, and watching a movie called "The God Maker"** he gave his report. Apparently, The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints is a pagan church, that doesn't believe in God or Jesus Christ. The members preform sacrafices, make blood oaths, and have side jobs as bounty hunters. Interesting church eh?
Well, it JUST SO HAPPENS, that I'm a member of this wonderful, beautiful, very true church. And when it came back to me that Satan was telling these lies, I become very distressed. And at the time, I had only been a member of the church for about...3 or 4 months. Upon hearing this, I began a tyrant of tears and pretty hateful accusations about Satan, to no one in particular. Then, after talking to some kids in my ward, we decided "Hey, the missionaries should go in and talk" So, after clearing it with Satans teacher, the Elders came in, after promising "No Prostylting" or however ya spell it. So, they taught about our background, answered some questions. (yes, of course polygamy came up. I informed the class that it was now WOMEN, who were allowed to have multiple HUSBANDS, and that was why I joined the church) Then Satan started in with his accusations, telling them what we believe in. After gently correcting him, and making him look like a fool, the bell rang. So, I walked the Elders out,laughing with them as the quickly coined him "satan", went to the bathroom and cried, and went to my next class. Well, Satan proceeded to make life slightly difficult for the members. BUT, we had retribution! The head chopping thing was the funniest to us, so we played that up pretty heavily. Everytime Matt encountered Satan in the halls, he drew his thumb across his neck, as though "slitting his throat" or, chopping his head off :-). Also, this was the kicker, and the story that I relayed to the Elders. Katherine and I decided to go out to eat one night at a semi-fancy restaurant. Lo and behold, guess who our waiter was? Yep. You guessed it. SATAN. So, he came over and was sacchrine sweet, annoying as the underworld, and said "Hello Ladies, I'm Brent" and Katherine interrupted him to say "Hi, I'm Molly. Molly Mormon" this made him pretty uncomfortable. So, we ordered, and after checking our food and drink to make sure he hadn't spit in it, we chowed down. Well, Satan was cleaning the table behind us and he was mumbling. He sounded like the doofus he is, and suddenly, out of nowhere, Katherine begins stabbing her food on her plate REALLY hard. So I asked "dude, what the heck are you doing" and she looked up, just as serious as could be, and said "It's my mormon mating call" Satan choked. It was THE FUNNIEST noise I've ever heard in my life. Truly. So, as we got our bill, we discussed how much of a tip to leave. The bill was 15 dollars, and suddenly, I felt quite generous. I decided to leave Satan a 10 dollar tip. As I was fishing through my wallet, I found a pass along card, and ~poof~ I had a revelation. So I left the 10 dollars, and neatly tucked under it, a pass along card for a copy of The Book of Mormon.
Alas, talking to the Elders tonight, we have a greenie who decided he wanted to tract into Satan. So it's my responsibility to find his apartment number for them. Funny business.
And THAT, ladies and gents, is the story of "Brent, the Mormon Hating Satanic Darran"

* you'd think, that if an author wanted to be taken seriously, he'd spell the name of his book properly. "Kingdom of Kults" c'mon!
**The man who made the God Maker was a TWICE excommunicated member of the church. Once for Adultery, and Once for Incest. I'd REALLY take him seriously.